and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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