Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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