dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
