In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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