she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
