Apparently you make a good broom.
we made out on top of his cat.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
