Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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