I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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