i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
