it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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