so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
