Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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