I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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