i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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