Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
