The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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