I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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