Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
