Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
