I just threw up on my dentist
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
