I wish I could teleport
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
