Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
