I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
