so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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