Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
