How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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