awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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