I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I need moral support for this bender
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
