Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
