hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
