I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
