Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
