I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
