i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
