I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
