its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He kissed a someone with a penis
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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