I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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