I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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