there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
