called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
