I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
