My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
