god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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