she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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