im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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