2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
