o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And then my night got REAL pukey
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
