I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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