I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
