Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
