I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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