i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
