as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
