I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
birth control should be required to get into college
God, you're like boner-b-gone
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
