Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
