What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
