Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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