Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
