I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
