Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
