I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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