I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
