Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
