Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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