I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
