Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I accidentally burped into my bong.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
